You Wouldnt Know Funny if It Landed on Your Face and Wiggled
It might be hard to believe, but The Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim is over a decade old. Even so, it remains as popular today and has generated its own meme culture and humor amongst the player community.
Much of the hilarity in Skyrimstems from how the game was made. Non-player characters (NPCs) tend to repeat some iconic lines of dialogue which, in combination with certain situations, is pure comedy gold only players of Skyrimor previous The Elder Scrollsgames will understand. So, in case you've forgotten how much of a gutbuster Bethesda's game was, here are some hilarious quotes from NPCs.
Updated June 18, 2022, by Sid Natividad: There's no shortage of funny Skyrim quotes thanks to some of the most oft-repeated lines from the various characters you meet (or kill) in the game. There are so many of these Skyrim quotes that it wouldn't be fair for some of the amusing lines to be excluded. So we've added more Skyrim NPC quotes that will surely elicit at least a chuckle, or maybe an uncontrollable fit of laughter that will last until Bethesda releases The Elder Scrolls 6.
20 "Another wanderer, here to lick my father's boots. Good job."
- From : Nelkir from Whiterun
What is this little runt's problem? It's not like you wanted to be in Whiterun in the first place. For the record, you're also not Jarl Balrguuf's bootlicker, no matter how fine his banquets and bearskin rugs are in the cold of the winter. Nelkir is Jarl Balgruuf's son and we could only hope that he turns out like his father.
Because, as he is right now in Skyrim, he's on his way to becoming a spoiled and bratty monarch. Also, he's probably one of the reasons why Skyrim didn't allow children to be killed (apart from age rating). Nelkir talks a lot of smack for someone who's in Fus Ro Dah distance. The developers likely thought many players would try to punish this kid.
19 "Dragonborn, huh? Was it your ma or your pa that was the dragon?"
- From : Guards and mercenaries
Guards never fail to amuse in Skyrim and this line above is just another one of their inadvertently witty quips. It's also a testament to how some of the Nords don't take the whole Dragonborn prophecy seriously. But how could they? It seems like Alduin randomly chose you in the middle of the beheading and made you Dragonborn.
Also, it seems no one apart from the Greybeards knows how Dragonborn are created. So now there's this weird rumor going around that Dragonborn exists because some guy or gal had the hots for a giant fire-breathing giant lizard.
18 "Either I'm drunk, or you're naked. Possibly both."
- From : Bystanders if you're naked— or if they're drunk. Possibly both.
One of the finest attention-to-detail triggers they have added to Skyrim is how NPCs will always make some side comments regarding your stature. This one's easy to draw out of NPCs; all you have to do is strip all your clothes down to the underwear.
These comments usually happen in a tavern or bar where almost everyone is inundated with the finest Nord mead. It also goes to show just how much alcohol the people of Skyrim consume on a daily basis. Plenty of them drink themselves to the point where everyone they see is naked. Or maybe you're really just naked.
17 "My cousins out fighting dragons, and what do I get? Guard duty."
- From : Guards
You have to wonder what goes on in a city guard's day-to-day life. Some of them are so bored out of their wits that they crave action and dragon fights. Hence, that Skyrim quote above is one of the common complaints you'll hear from inactive guards.
The funny thing is, with Skyrim being as buggy and glitchy as it is even now, guards will still blurt this out even if they just fought a dragon five minutes ago. But in their defense, you probably absorbed the dragon, so there's not much evidence of their achievement.
16 "Nords are so serious about beards. So many beards. M'aiq thinks they wish they had glorious manes like Khajiit."
- From : M'aiq the Liar
Those uppity Nords think they're so superior and that Skyrim belongs only to them when in fact, their facial hair pales in comparison to the Khajiit! These kittens had beards and mustaches from the day they were born. They also grew up with a healthy side diet of hairballs as a consequence.
In any case, M'aiq is one out-of-place Khajiit in Skyrim. Often, he introduces himself to you as a random encounter and he'll impart some unconventional wisdom your way, such as how his father was also called M'aiq and how to grow a beard with a special potion he sells. Classic M'aiq.
15 "Iron sword huh? What are you killing? Butterflies?"
- From : Guards
It's no secret that the guards in Skyrim are proud and knowledgeable about their swords. While they might not have the best gear themselves, they always seem to have a comment or two ready to roast the Dragonborn's arsenal. In particular, carrying a cheap iron sword might inspire this backhanded comment.
Although this might be pretty embarrassing to hear, it's probably best to just keep walking, quietly go buy a better sword, and avoid causing a scene. Guards are a bit of a pain to deal with when attacked, especially in groups.
14 "No lollygaggin'"
- From : Guards
Has anyone ever seen a guard do anything actually productive? Most of the time, these guys seem to just stand around the city and observe, while making snarky comments about the Dragonborn or lamenting about getting an arrow to the knee. And yet, they dare tell the Dragonborn not to lollygag.
Why is this a rule in the first place? And what would be the punishment for it? It seems like the guards not only want people not to steal, but everyone should be a productive member of society. Sounds pretty authoritarian.
13 "If I had a sister, I'd sell her in a second."
- From : Belethor the Breton in Whiterun
There's no merchant quite like Belethor the Breton, in the iconic city of Whiterun, running his general store by the marketplace. Known for always being energetic and overly eager to sell his wares, he gets pretty annoying after a while. That being said, he does have a couple of lines that make him one of the most entertaining NPCs.
He often tells the Dragonborn everything's for sale at his store, and that if he had a sister he would sell her in an instant. Sounds like Belethor is a cold-blooded businessman if he's serious, and there's always a hint of truth in a joke.
12 "Why the Elven blade, huh? Nord steel not good enough for you?"
- From : Guards
Most of the guards around Skyrim are Nords. While there's no actual proof of this, it's pretty easy to deduce it from their Nordic accent, and just from the general way they seem to praise Skyrim's culture and traditions. Nords are incredibly proud as well, which is why they blurt out a lot of gems like these.
Carry an elven sword in any of the cities of Skyrim and some guard will no doubt approach you to roast you for not having a traditional Nordic sword. Even if the sword is objectively better, they seem stuck in their ways.
11 "By Shor, you're hauling around a lot of junk."
- From : Guards
Where does all the stuff the Dragonborn carries go exactly? They don't have a backpack, and yet somehow, some way, they manage to carry so much on them. Even stranger, the guards seem to always be able to tell when the Dragonborn is carrying some useless junk on them.
It's not really their business what the Dragonborn has in their inventory, and yet somehow they know exactly just by looking. Enough with these nosy, sassy guards, Bethesda! The Dragonborn deserves some respect.
10 "Skyrim belongs to the Nords!"
- From : Nords if they're fighting
A rather bold and racially-charged rallying call from the Nords. It shows just how much they want to kick the Imperials (and other meddling races) out of their home province of Skyrim. It has led to some political tensions and you'll often hear it as a battle cry from some enemies you're hacking to death.
The funny thing is, Nord NPCs also shout that very line to you while bashing your head with a hammer... even if your character is a Nord. In another instance, your Nord companion will also shout that line to your enemies, even if you're a Dark Elf, High Elf, or an Imperial, all of which are sworn enemies of Nords. Careful of those guys, they might stab you while you sleep.
9 "Let me guess, someone stole your sweetroll?"
- From : Guards
Walk up to a guard in any city in Skyrim, and this is one of the lines they'll utter to you as a way to dismiss your queries or concerns. You don't even have to initiate a dialogue with them; they'll blurt this right at your face with a tone of mockery and condescension.
In their defense, they probably had plenty of children or even adults come to them with cases of stolen sweetrolls. Perhaps it got tiring to hear the same unresolved complaints and crimes over and over again? Or, perhaps it was you who stole too many sweetrolls and are now making the town guards' lives difficult? In any case, a good Fus Roh Dah to the face of the guards would suffice as an appropriate retort for this question.
8 "Is that... Fur? Coming out of your ears?"
- From : Guards
Hang out with the Companions in Whiterun too much, and they might just turn you into a werewolf. If you accept this opportunity to be able to transform into a big bad wolf, you'll open up a can of new dialogue options for the guards of Skyrim to say to you, which is that silly question above.
It makes sense if your character is one of the human-looking ones, but this line is a lot more amusing if you chose a Khajiit as your character's race. That's because they didn't ask that line prior to your becoming a werewolf, even if the fur in your character's ears was there all along. Sadly, there's no "Duh" reply, so you'll have to get creative with your Dragonborn shouts instead.
7 "Wait... I know you..."
- From : Guards if you've been naughty
No crime goes unpunished in the land of Skyrim. Even the smallest of crimes like stealing a block of cheese, killing a chicken, or merely lollygagging can land you in jail. Although, the guards are a lot less vigilant in pursuing you if your crimes are just those mentioned above; hence, this funny dialogue if you have a small bounty on your head.
You know you're in trouble when you initiate dialogue with a guard and it's the first thing they say. By then, you'll have limited options on how to wiggle out. Sometimes you can just simply walk away and pray to Talos they don't give chase. Other times, you'll have to pay with your blood, criminal scum!
6 "Psst! Hey. I know who you are. Hail Sithis!"
- From : Guards (who are also assassins, apparently)
Being a member of the Dark Brotherhood is cool. It's basically a free pass to murder just about anyone without repercussions. As it turns out, even the guards of Skyrim don't want to intervene with that sort of operation and mentality. No, they couldn't beat them, so they joined them!
You'll often hear a guard whisper this line to you like some sort of secret handshake as soon as you finish the Dark Brotherhood questline. It gives you a glimpse into who they're really loyal to, though how they reveal their allegiance to you can catch you off-guard due to their heavy accent.
5 "Never should've come here!"
- From : Bandits and humanoid enemies
A line that's used way too often by your victims regardless of the circumstances. You could sneak your way into their lair and slit their throat, dealing 6x stealth damage, and they'd still say this. Basically, all your victims or enemies in Skyrim turn into cranky old men who want you off their lawn as soon as they see you.
That, or they could be referring to themselves sometimes, as they also say this line whenever they're walking down the road and happen to bump into you, with their weapon drawn. Really, though, you never should have come here.
4 "Those warriors from Hammerfell? They've got curved swords. Curved. Swords."
- From : Guards
A guard's life in Skyrim can be dull and monotonous... even though there's always action to be found due to wars and dragons. Anyway, one of their favorite past times is idle gossip. Their favorite topic? Warriors from Hammerfell, they got curved swords, you see, something rare and exotic in Skyrim... or any other province in Tamriel.
It can be rather puzzling as to why Nord guards would be curious about the curvature of swords. However, those warriors from Hammerfell are definitely asking for attention the way they dangle their curved swords around their hips.
3 "You'll make a fine rug, cat!"
- From : Enemies if you're a Khajiit
Apart from the "never should have come here!" threat from hostile NPCs, they can get creative depending on your character's race. If you happen to be a Khajiit, for example, they give you this laughably cruel taunt.
As it is, the Khajiit are the joke race of Tamriel because the other races regard them as compulsive thieves. Even their home province is called Elsweyr. How do you take that seriously? In any case, that would be quite the rug to explain to your guests.
2 "I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow in the knee."
- From : Guards
There it is, the line that launched a thousand memes. There's no other quote in Skyrim more memorable or iconic than this one. It seems every guard you meet used to be an adventurer like you; then they took arrows in the knee and were relegated to guard duty.
They'll also explicitly say it to you as a conversation starter without you even asking why they became a guard. In their defense, though, being an adventurer was probably preferable to having to talk about the "curved swords" of the warriors of Hammerfell as their past time or taking care of sweetroll thefts.
1 "Do you get to the Cloud District very often? Oh, what am I saying, of course you don't."
- From : Nazeem from Whiterun (often in the Cloud District)
This line in itself isn't groundbreaking at all, it's what happens afterward to the person who says this that's entertaining. You see, this line is something only a condescending dead man utters. As such, the only appropriate reply to him would be an axe blade to his bald forehead or a level 100 Destruction skill lightning bolt to his entire existence.
Absolutely no one should boast to you about their highbrow escapades to the Cloud District, regardless of how often it is. By the way, Cloud District is merely the area of Dragonsreach in Whiterun. You've been there countless times even, so it's nothing special. Feel free to be a jerk to anyone about how cultured and high-profile you are since you actually get to the Cloud District very often.
Source: https://www.thegamer.com/skyrim-funniest-hilarious-quotes/
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